Category: health

“The wolf of Wall Street” explains why autistic people are often traumatized

Featured by eringarciabooks, posted in health, psychology, special needs, Uncategorized

“So to sum it up, human communication is 45% tonality, 45%body language, and 10% are the actual words….90% of the time we’re communicating without actually speaking.”

– Jordan Belfort, The Way of the Wolf

My true passion is helping the ignorant understand what autism is so that our world can be safer and more inclusive. Sometimes it feels impossible to address all the factors that make life so difficult for autistic people.

But one book in particular stood out to help me in my mission: The Way of the Wolf by Jordan Belfort (the guy played by Leonardo De Caprio in 2013’s award-winning The Wolf of Wall Street).

Belfort breaks down how much language and body language affects how a person is perceived. If you know anything about Belfort; he’s blunt, clear, and often, right in his estimations. He is not just a natural-born salesman; he’s studied neurology, the impact of meditation, and linguistics. In chapter four describes the average person’s perception on a first encounter:

“You have about four seconds until someone rips you apart, judges you, and then puts you back together in the way that they perceive you.”

This is the autistic experience: to get ripped apart, judged, then put back together in the way (often the ignorant way) someone perceives them.

Because most people have a narrow understanding of what autism is, when an uninformed person sees an autistic person that exists outside of their subconscious expectation, they tend to label the autistic person in question as some variation of “weird.”

In fact, Belfort discusses this in his book, calling the kid at school who talks oddly or moves in an unusual manner as one with “cooties” and how the natural desire is to get away from them. Ironically, he also notes that these kids tend to be exceptional later on because of how they think. But he drops the thought right there, which is a darn shame. 

In Belfort’s experience, social success is about the majority’s perception, or that is to say those who are in the position of social power to choose or not choose the person in question. I don’t think he is wrong.

But I’m here because most of us don’t know what we’re looking at when we see autism in real life and so we unwittingly marginalize autistic people. 

Most of us don’t know why this is so important unless you are personally connected to an autistic person. But some facts to help you care: 87% of autistic adults are unemployed, they are more than twice as likely to be detained by police, to be sexually assaulted, and to die by suicide.

If you have an autistic child like I do, I would love it if you keep reading on, so we have a shot at reducing these statistics.

I’ve no doubt that every single person wants to help the autistic community thrive. Understanding what we’re looking at when we see an autistic person in the moment is the only way to not make negative split-second mental judgments when we see an autistic person in real life.

While a wide smattering of traits are needed to qualify a person as autistic, and while there are an infinite combination of traits an autistic person can have, there are some commonalities amongst autistic people that are important to know.

Most autistic people have a heightened sensory profile, which means sensations like smell, taste, sound, touch, etc. are usually either experienced at a significantly higher or lower rate than a non-autistic, or allistic person. 

In addition, many autistic people exist in space in a noticeably different way than an allistic person. Sometimes their posture is markedly different (e.g. commonly known as “t-rex arms” when a person holds their arms bent at the elbow and close to their sides).

Sometimes you can notice a difference in gait, often appearing “clumsy” or noticeably labored.

Sometimes it’s a pitch of voice that’s a bit too loud, too high, too flat…whatever it is…it’s considered different (and often that means worse).

Sometimes the facial expressions of an autistic person does not match the situation at hand (e.g. not smiling in an exciting situation). This often makes allistic people uncomfortable, sometimes causing them to judge the autistic person as not empathetic or intellectually disabled because of their facial expressions.

I write this out because I want to stop this misunderstanding. Autism does not mean either of those things, but it is a common ignorant stereotype.

Belfort goes on to say that how you hold your body, how you appear, how your face looks are profoundly important for social situations. This is the traumatizing part for autistic people: the way they naturally exist is often considered “wrong”. Even if an autistic person verbally explains themselves when questioned, it’s often considered suspicious or weird. He goes on to remind the reader that this is more important than being able to explain yourself: 

“The simple fact is that the right words don’t exist. No combination of words are profound enough and stealthy enough to sneak past the logic center of your prospect’s mind and create an emotional reaction that goes straight to their gut. For it’s there, in your prospect’s gut l, where first impressions get formed in fractions of a second, and they’ll guide them until you prove them wrong. So, if your words won’t do it, where do you turn?”

Belfort’s ability to explain this nuance of socialization pinpoints why autistic people have such traumatic social interactions on a regular basis. 

He goes on to explain how tone of voice, the way a person dresses, their appearance and scent, and body body language impact a person:

“The answer is simple: your tone of voice. Specifically, how you say what you say has a profound impact on how it’s perceived. And for that matter, how YOU are perceived. And not just during those first four seconds, but throughout the entire conversation as well. You see after millions of years of evolution, the human ear has become so adept at recognizing tonal shifts that even the slightest one can have a dramatic impact on a word or phrase.”

So how does an autistic person cope? What we end up getting is one of three things:

  1. Some will want to “help” autistic people, which usually means teaching the autistic person to be less authentically themselves and more “socially acceptable” by trying to train their movements, their voice, everything that can possibly be altered (usually this is under the umbrella of ABA therapy). This puts the autistic person in the position to attempt to memorize and act in a way that people like Belfort say is allowed. The result of this “help” is that some autistic people master this mimicry, which almost always leaves them depleted of their true self. 
  1. Or despite their best efforts, they don’t quite get it right, and people can tell they’re “faking”, leading to judgment and scorn or ridicule. They will keep trying to please others despite their internal compass begging them not to. This often leads to serious burn out, and is likely a key reason autistic people are more likely to suffer from debilitating depression and be sexually assaulted.
  1. Or the autistic person realizes the way they are isn’t considered acceptable, but they continue to exist as authentic themselves, often gambling that they’ll find someone who will accept them for who they are, realizing they cannot ever win at the game Belfort so meticulously explains. 

This post is intended to help autistic people be accepted for who they truly are, without shame or judgment.

So what can you do right now? If you are interacting with a person who perhaps isn’t making “the right” amount of eye contact, or is moving in an unusual way, or their tone of voice “seems off”, consider that they might be autistic instead of judging. Trust that they’re not a suspicious person, even if they’re not acting in a way you expect. Meet them with love and grace. See what happens.

Bonus! Even if the person is not autistic, this manner of interacting still works well! It’s miraculous!

I would love to know how this goes! Send me a note here!

P.S.- I should also point out that while Belfort was exceptionally gifted at sales and making money, he also was indicted for money laundering and securities fraud. He eventually pled guilty to fraud for his pump-and-dump schemes which, according to some estimations, cost his investors upwards of $200 million. For his crimes, he spent a little less than two years in prison. 

And why do I share this? Because even though he is a criminal, I can still learn from him. And also, a criminal knows how to get things from his victims. Maybe his perception isn’t completely right and maybe we should question this manner of thinking that negatively impacts so many.

Nutrition and Autism: It’s Not Exactly What We Think

Featured by eringarciabooks, posted in autism, health, psychology, special needs

When people say that they can “heal my child’s autism” with their special vitamins, I react differently than when my son was first diagnosed.

At first, I desperately wanted to get rid of his autism. I hate admitting this, but I’ve tried vitamins. We ate pretty “clean”. and part of my motivation was to heal him.

I thought this was because autism was always described as a horrible thing that would devastate our family unit. Autism was described in “red flags” and “symptoms” and I thought my boy would be “trapped in his own mind”, because that’s how it was explained on tv by authority figures.

I wanted him to “get better”, because the way autism was always explained to me, I thought it was a disease to be cured.

Once I learned from autistic people about what autism actually is, I realized my errors. At one point I became enraged at people who tried to take everything that makes my child so perfect and tell me they can “fix it”.

But now when I hear a person claim they’ve “healed autism” through nutrition, it doesn’t bother me. It doesn’t offend me. But I wonder what they really mean.

First thing’s first. There’s no way around it: what we consume affects every aspect of our being. Nutrition is the very foundation of health and healing.

And yet, the word “healing” is often conflated with curing, and many of these same aforementioned people attempt to “cure” autism with vitamins.

As if a neurotype needs “curing”. 

I’ve also noticed that these same people who believe in curing a neurotype have a very narrow understanding of what autism is. Many times they will make claims about “severe” autism. So before we move on, we need to have the same working definition of what autism is.

Autism is diagnosed when a person meets a “smattering” (that is the official word used) of identifiable markers. A person cannot be “more” or “less” autistic: if you meet the smattering of criteria, you are. Can you have “autistic qualities” and not be autistic? Of course, because autistic traits are human traits.

But autism is a spectrum and autistic people have a wide variety of support needs, some with less, others with more, and sometimes these needs change with time.

Additionally, some autistic people have co-occurring conditions, which are often conflated with autism.

For example, autism is not an intellectual disability, but some autistic people are intellectually disabled (just as some neurotypical people are intellectually disabled).

In an attempt to keep this brief, the most common markers of autism are (but not limited to):

1. an obviously different sensory profile in which sensitivities to things like light/sound/pressure on the body are markedly different compared to a neurotypical person. Often this intense sensory input is dealt with by stimming, an important regulatory behavior that most people do, but autistic people do more often and often in more noticeable ways. Here is my book that simply explains what stimming is.

2. a different manner of speech and/or communicating compared to a neurotypical person.

If you noticed that both indicators of autism relate to not being neurotypical, you’re very observant. We will discuss the implications of this another time.

“Curing” an autistic person means to extinguish their very existence. If I were to approach you and say, “there is something wrong with your mind. It doesn’t work right. Every single way you interpret information in your surroundings is wrong and backwards, but trust me, I can fix you. Here take this medicine.”

It’s offensive and not necessary. 

Curing how your brain interprets information implies that there is something wrong with it in the first place. 

A judgmental approach to autism is common, especially in holistic communities, which I proudly am a part of (usually). Changing my diet has profoundly impacted how I exist. I learned how to heal my gut and improve my health through functional medicine and nutrition.

Holistic and functional medicine practitioners lose an entire demographic of potential clients because they ignorantly presume that all autistic people and their families must want the unique neurology of autism extinguished.

And many times these same people believe we need to cure autism because when they think of autism, they are talking about a very particular type of autistic person who has significant obvious support needs. They do not understand that you cannot “spot” all autistic person in the general public.

The same circles that significantly improved my health also call autism an “epidemic”, which implies it is a disease to be eradicated. 

While it is true that autism rates are “on the rise”, the exact reason for this has not been determined yet. These same “holistic” people will claim it is from exposure to heavy metals and toxins in our food.

But an important reason, (one that these people rarely acknowledge), is that autism is more diagnosed today than it was even 10 years ago. When people were previously called “quirky”, “different”, “odd”, “troublesome”, we now have an understanding that there are different styles of communicating, and that autistic people raised in significantly supportive and accepting homes can thrive.

In particular BIPOC and females are now being diagnosed more than ever, whereas before, these people were often hidden from society or brutalized in order to make them conform. Sadly, this was often done in the name of “safety”. If you want to read about this, please do yourself a favor and read In A Different Key.

But back to food and autism. Sound nutrition is paramount to everyone’s health. When we eat better and consume consciously, our rates of depression, anxiety, and chronic inflammation plummet for everyone.

Neurotypical people would do well to recognize that using language to “cure” someone’s neurotype is harmful. 

And yet it must be said that many autistic people also do not consume high quality food. Why? Many autistic people struggle with nutrition because food is an intense sensory experience for them.

For example, no two berries will taste exactly the same and each one can be interpreted as a shock to the palate (for some people).

Sometimes the smell or sight of a food triggers a gag reflex (because remember how I said a hallmark of autism is a heightened sensory profile?).

Is this example true for all autistic people? No.

Do some neurotypical people have heightened senses like smell, sight, or taste. Yep.

Do sometimes people think that they’re just picky and difficult but when they learn about the hallmarks of autism they realize they could be on the spectrum but never pursue it has been explained to them as though it is a horrible disease that needs to be cured? You betchya.

Processed foods are uniform and often considered “safe” by autistic people because it will not shock their gustatory sense.

There are ways to help autistic people become comfortable with diverse food, but it often takes time, resources and education.

Socio-economically disadvantaged families are unable to do this, and often opt for processed foods in order to feed their child. Because believe it or not, autistic people like my child will simply not eat rather than eat something appalling to their palate. They can do this indefinitely. It is not the same thing as a “picky” eater.

Wealthy people often are the ones who “heal” their autistic children, but what they really mean is that their child’s gut biome is healthy and thriving due to the nutrition provided. When they say the “behaviors of autism” are reduced or eradicated, it likely means their child does not have an inflamed nervous system and likely, their child has adeptly learned how to mask publicly so they do not appear autistic. Because remember, their parent has spent a lot of time and money “curing it”.

It should be noted that these wealthy people also often have insurance and provide early intervention like speech and occupational therapy, allowing their child to communicate and perform daily living tasks which enhance their self-worth and developmental progress.

We don’t need to shame people for these things, but I do believe we can do better for all autistic people who just want to live happy and healthy lives.

We can hold these two truths simultaneously: our food chain (especially in America) is profoundly damaged, and still make space for the fact that there are a variety of neurotypes and ways people process their environmental and emotional input. 

If you’re interested in me doing a deeper dive into food, gut healing, and autism, please drop a comment below!

Here’s What I Wished I Knew When My Kid Was First Diagnosed as Autistic

Featured by eringarciabooks, posted in autism, health, special needs

hen your child is identified as autistic, most parents believe they need to learn a monumental amount of information in order to support their child. I definitely took that approach when my kid was first diagnosed. 

But in hindsight, if you really want to help your child, an unlearning must occur. 

Most parents begin to observe that autism might be present in a child when developmental milestones are not met at the typical times. This often creates fear and anxiety within the parent.

This looks like: “She should be talking by now” or “Why isn’t he playing with kids at the playground?”

This is what happened with my child. It appeared everything was “normal” and then, around 17 months, we saw a regression in speech, as well as sensory processing differences that were no longer quirky; they were intruding on his quality of life and ability to access a typical education.

There was no doubt my son was growing and learning, but he was doing so in a way that caused alarm because it was not typical.

The alarm was that he appeared autistic, when previously he didn’t seem to be. 

I was always taught that early intervention was the key to a child’s success. I was counseled about the “warning signs” of autism and how it needed to be “treated” right away, or else….

This right there is what people need to unlearn.

The way autism is described to parents makes it seems like a disease that can grow and take over an entire person, somehow locking them away from meaningful relationships and joy. 

Unlearning that approach and asking better questions will yield far greater results. 

Better questions are: is your child developing? What external factors could be preventing development? Are you aware of your child’s sensory needs? What do you know about the autistic mind and how it differs from a neurotypical mind?

If you can answer these questions first, the fear will begin to dissipate. Autism is a disability because of the world we live in. The timetable pushed from the medical and educational community might leave your child out. 

Do not get me wrong, milestones are important markers, but if your child is autistic and not meeting milestones at the prescribed timetable please do not fear. 

This requires a great deal of courage because many parents are shocked by an autism diagnosis in the first place. Additionally, asking questions to people in positions of authority like school officials and medical providers is often perceived like challenging authority. 

Some questions I had to ask: How does one “treat autism”, exactly? If we don’t approach it like a disease, what else will happen? How do I intervene in autism, exactly? What am I intervening in, exactly? 

Years later, here’s what I wished I was told when my kid was first diagnosed: 

  1. Developmental milestones are approximations of appropriate progress. 
  2. Milestones are based on the neurotypical standard that dominates parenting books, and they shape our perception of acceptable development. 
  3. Our whole educational system is based on a neurotypical timetable that leaves very little space for neurodivergent thinkers who develop outside the typical. 

It’s for this reason my spouse and I feared for our son’s future. We were very explicitly told that autism was serious. We were coached that his natural way of processing information was something to extinguish as best we could with “early intervention” that could reduce “symptoms” of autism. 

The autistic way of processing the world is not a disease. Approaching your child as though this is the case is precisely how you damage and traumatize them. Autism is not the problem; our way of thinking about it is.

Our entire system is based on an expectation of socially accepted time and space for our children. If your child has been diagnosed as autistic, I understand the fear and concern you might be having, especially if you have not paid close attention to autism before. But very likely your child will not develop typically because your child isn’t typical. That isn’t a problem unless you judge it to be one.

If your child doesn’t develop at the same rates as others, doesn’t mean development isn’t occurring. 

And maybe they speak later, or achieve gross motor skills later. So what? 

Maybe they’ll need additional support like speech or occupational therapy that helps with the acquisition of those skills. So what? 

Your child isn’t broken. I bet your child has other gifts that are never asked about or measured on a pediatric chart. But you could chart them if that’s what’s needed to celebrate. And you need to celebrate them just as all children need to be celebrated for exactly who they are. 

Parents must get used to the idea that the way their child grows could look different than others, and that’s perfectly fine. 

I remember very vividly a time when I was taking my then three year old to daycare. I was constantly worrying about his lack of speech and what I would do. I worried about his intelligence multiple times per hour. “What is happening inside his mind? Why can’t he repeat after me? What is happening? He used to make sounds, right?”  

I buckled him in and got in the car, and he began making all kinds of sounds as I began to reverse the car. I said, “what’s wrong?!”, surprised by the sounds he made. 

My first inclination was that we were in a rush, and stopping for what seemed like “nothing”. We were always running late, and I was stressed. And yet, I could not help but be shocked by this unusual interaction.

He kept making the sounds, never ceasing until I put the car in park. At the time, he struggled to point, which is a common issue for autistic children. It seemed he was alerting me to the front of the car, so I opened the door and saw my coffee mug resting on the hood of my car. I could not believe he noticed that and that he felt compelled to alert me. 

In that moment, I was overcome with emotion.  I realized my son notices so much he probably cannot begin to say all the things he observes. I felt so proud of him, and if I am honest, I was proud of myself. Instead of writing off his attempt to communicate, I listened to it. It was different than his sister, but he was engaging me as best he could. 

That moment was transformative. I began to witness all kinds of tiny interactions he was making; I was oblivious to them because of my expectations of how it should be. 

From that moment, I shifted and I write this in the hopes that you will too.

Thank you for being here!

What Should I Do If My Child Is Diagnosed with Autism?

by eringarciabooks, posted in autism, health, psychology, special needs, Uncategorized

When I learned my child was autistic, I was afraid. 

I was a first time parent and was already worried I’m screwing up. 

This news sent me over the edge. 

I couldn’t even explain what autism meant. I felt scared and helpless. 

Autism always seemed like something bad. That’s how it was presented to me. Words like “suspicious”, “symptoms”, and “red flags” were used to describe my child. 

I didn’t realize the impact until years later. That’s when I wrote this book for you. I don’t want any person to feel the way I felt.

In hindsight I can see it was not autism that was the problem: it was how much I didn’t know.

It was how poorly autism was explained to me. Autism was always presented like some lurking, scary monster. It took personalities away. It could come without you ever knowing about it. It was something to be avoided at all costs.

My child was happy and thriving. He’s hilarious. ‘There’s no way it’s autism,” I used to think. But he was different from other kids his age. And his 17-month younger sister. 

It had nothing to do with my parenting. 

It seemed like no matter what I did, certain things were just different.

He responded unlike other kids.

His language was unlike other kids.

His movement was unlike other kids.

No matter what I did he would always run back and forth. He would flap his hands. He would squish himself beneath the cushions of the couch. Food was often difficult for him and not in a “picky toddler” way. It was like it hurt when he tried certain food.

I was concerned and confused. Even though it was different, my child was amazing just the way he was. 

When I finally learned about stimming, all of his behaviors began to make sense. Stimming was a way he was soothing himself and releasing pent up energy.

I realized what his autism means for my family. 

I was no longer afraid! 

I also realized I stim quite a bit. Most of us do!

Stimming is a sign that a person is managing things like: noises, lights, food, changes in routines, learning exciting bits of information, having a big feeling, etc. A person stims with their body. Stimming might look like: rocking, hand flapping, repeating a word, galloping, pacing, etc. Most people stim.

When we discover a stim’s purpose, we help people thrive. 

That’s what happened for us and it can happen for you too.

Sometimes you need to be a detective to understand a stim’s meaning. 

That’s why the book I wrote is called The Case of Sensational Stims. 

The characters Joey and Elise teach what stimming is. This book will help you understand what stims are and why they’re important.

My child is amazing just the way he is. His autism is an important part of who he is. We don’t need to fear autism. We don’t need to overcome it. 

We embrace who he is entirely.  Including his autistic mind.

Understanding stimming allowed us to do that. 

You’re here because you want to support your autistic loved one. Maybe you don’t know where to start. This book is for you.

This book:

  • Explains autism in a children’s story
  • Models how to support disabled people
  • Includes a glossary of important terms
  • Will help you support the autistic person in your life
  • Is a great place to start learning

Even if you don’t get the book, please do not be afraid of what autism means for your family. Honor your loved one’s sensory needs, and watch them thrive!

Thank you for being here! Follow this blog or my Instagram @sensationalstims to get free support for your autistic love one!

Why Is It So Difficult to Understand Autism?

by eringarciabooks, posted in autism, health, psychology, special needs

“For as soon as an unexpected fact appears, we try to fit it in the framework of the common places of acquired knowledge and we are indignant that anyone should dare experiment further.”

– Paramhansa Yogananda, Autobiography of a Yogi

Yogananda’s quote regards the human approach to science and the nature of the universe, but when I apply it to the neurotypical understanding of autism, it seems to fit just right.

Autism is often unexpected by families. It is also commonly explained as a deficiency that needs lots of therapy and remediation, rather than a neutral neurological processing difference compared to the neurotypical processing. Our introduction to autism is usually one cloaked in words like “reg flags”, “symptoms”, and “disorders”. Because of this negative introduction, unwitting parents and caregivers are on defense for anything related autism.

Parents especially fear autism, yet understand their child is also perfect the way they are. Often they’re perplexed because they note the growth, intelligence and creativity of a child, but observed they’re markedly different than typical peers. This duality of understanding is the source of so much anguish and frustration. It doesn’t need to be this way.

This may also be due not just to negative explanations of autism, but also because people conflate autism with a form of intellectual disability. These two things are not mutual, though autistic people (and neurotypical people) can also have intellectual disabilities.

Here’s the entire quote from Yogananda, and just for fun, let’s pretend that this it is about the understanding of neurological processing differences:

“The truths- those surprising, amazing, unforeseen truths which our descendants will discover are even now around us, staring us in the eyes, so to speak. And yet we do not see them. But it is not enough to say we do not see them. We do not wish to see them. For as soon as an unexpected fact appears, we try to fit it in the framework of the common places of acquired knowledge and we are indignant that anyone should dare experiment further.”

– Paramhansa Yogananda, from Autobiography of a Yogi

If an autistic person’s behavior does not make sense to you please consider doing the following:

  1. Observe the behavior without judgment. This will be nearly impossible, so here’s an easier way: every time you witness the behavior, check your thoughts to see when you are deeming something socially appropriate or inappropriate.  Observe how you feel when you witness this. Consider your emotions as you observe. Are you uncomfortable? Angry? Embarrassed? Curious?

Once you’ve understood through which lens you are witnessing the behavior, be aware this is impacting your ability to “see” the behavior for what it is.

Behavior is a form of communication and for many autistic people, their bodies are important means to communicate when they are unable to verbally articulate their needs. 

  1. Ask the autistic person when they’re in a rested state what their behavior means. Often, they will tell you. If you interrupt to tell them why it is bad/wrong/unacceptable, remember that they will likely stop telling you in the future or find deep shame in trying to meet their own needs. 

If the person is too young to explain or unable to articulate what/why, consider searching the web for autistic voices who can explain things. Do not ask when they’re overstimulated, as answering may be impossible in that moment.

A group that substantially changed my understanding of autism was the closed Facebook Group “Autism Inclusivity”. This is an educational group where parents and caregivers of autistic kids can ask autistic adults about behaviors and intentions.

Caution: read the rules and observe first. Learn about etiquette in safe spaces for autistic people. Ableism and sympathy for neurotypical people will not be present here; this is because most other every place in the world favors the neurotypical. Go there to learn and be amazed. Also, on my Instagram page, I repost daily tips from #actuallyautistic people and neurodiversity affirming clinicians and researchers. My handle is @sensationalstims.

If you want to understand autism, learn from autistic people!

3. Do you understand sensory differences? I didn’t. I am embarrassed to admit this, but I thought we all kind of had the same sensory experiences. Autistic people usually have heightened senses that, unless supported, are often overwhelming and can cause anxiety, fatigue, burnout, and meltdowns. Learn what your child’s sensory needs are.

I urge us to all remember how we were initially instructed about autism: we were trained to believe autism is a deficiency that needs adjustment, instead of a processing difference that needs support, especially for those of us struggling to understand an autistic family member, friend, student, or client.

Fill out this form to get a free resource to understand sensory differences and stimming!

Or buy my book The Case of Sensational Stims to learn what stimming is and why it’s so important. Available online on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and Wal-Mart. 

Thank you for being here. Getting curious is the first step to creating an inclusive, safe world for everyone, especially autistic people!

How to Raise Happy, Successful Autistic Children

Featured by eringarciabooks, posted in autism, health, psychology, special needs

The most successful, happy autistic adults are the ones who were nurtured and loved exactly as they were as children. This means that parents celebrate who they are and do not mourn or chide who they are not. Though you might be having a difficult time processing what autism means, this blog site is a safe place to help you work through it.

While it may be difficult for you to make sense of what autism means for you and your family, and you may even be sad your child isn’t the way you expected, it’s far more important to focus on who they are.

Finding ways to honor and celebrate your child and their unique neurology is the key to bonding and growing as a family. You will be amazed at what you notice in your child once you shift your focus from what they lack to the abundance of who they are.

The worst way to raise an autistic child is to believe that they should progress exactly as a neurotypical child. They’re not the same, but there are similarities.

I will not belabor this post with all of the ways humans might need the same things. Instead, let’s get to it. From years of research, here are the best ways to support autistic children:

1. Successful autistic adults’ sensory needs are believed and met.

If you are not autistic, your sensory profile is probably very different. That’s ok. What’s not ok is denying another’s reality simply because it’s not yours. Sensory needs must be honored to help the child regulate, rather than being preoccupied with how you or others perceive the child’s behavior as either positive or negative. 

This means when it is too loud for your child, hearing protection is offered.

If the environment is too hot or too bright, accommodations are made (like offering cool water, or sunglasses/hat/shade), even if the adult isn’t too hot.

If the child needs a break, the adult allows it instead of forcing the child to endure the torture. It doesn’t matter if it seems silly or unnecessary to you; believe them first and watch your bond deepen and your child thrive.

2. Varying communication styles are tended to and counseled.

Efforts are made to understand what the child is communicating in both words and behaviors, even if they’re not typical.

The adult does not worry so much about their own “expectation” as they do helping the child express themselves. 

Many autistic people are gestalt language processors, which means scripting and echolalia are used to communicate rather than original speech. @bohospeechie is a wonderful expert in this style of communication. Other autistic people struggle to verbally communicate and might need an AAC device or sign language.

The most successful parents of autistic kids understand that all communication is valid, and finding a way to meet a child where they’re at is paramount to developing a loving, stable relationship.

3. Etiquette and other social norms are explicitly taught so as to avoid grave social interactions that often devastate autistic people.

This helps autistic people have positive social interactions, and understand how to navigate neurotypical oddities like asking how people are doing even when neither party really cares about the truth.  Rather than focusing on “manners”, etiquette is explained clearly. The rules and expectations of a community are outlined to the child to help them understand social nuances, rather than blindly break unspoken rules.

4. Interests are encouraged, valued, and never belittled.

This helps autistic people make true bonds and friendships and have a deep sense of self. 

The realization that certain societal metrics like grades and “age appropriate activities” are largely governed by neurotypical people for neurotypical children. Though these were not created with your child in mind, these are the expectations and rules of society.

Efforts must be made to create a unique barometer that celebrates your child’s progress. 

I hope this helps you.

Please follow me on social media @sentationalstims for other supports to help your autistic loved one thrive!

Einstein, Autism, and You

Featured by eringarciabooks, posted in autism, health, psychology, special needs, Uncategorized

Albert Einstein is a theoretical physicist famous for his relativity theory and shifting human understanding of science to quantum mechanics. He lived a profound existence and is one of the few internationally recognizable scientists, despite the fact that he’s been dead for decades. He was also very likely autistic.

It seems odd how autistic people are described by neurotypicals. Autistic individuals are often exceptional thinkers and wonderful humans. They also have flaws, as every human has. Biographer Walter Isaacson, after explaining his echolalia, “tantrums” and “inability to form a true bond” with his father, noted, “still, he was able to display empathy.”

For much of Einstein’s life, he worked even as World Wars threatened his life, as his first marriage crumbled, as his second son struggled with health issues his entire life and all the other issues that are typical of the human experience.

If an autistic person is on the level of Einstein’s achievements, neurotypicals often seem doubtful that he could be neurodivergent because he is so successful.

But even in his day he was deeply misunderstood by those who looked at him from a distance, and even a few close to him. It’s this misunderstanding that causes so much unnecessary harm. This post seeks to positively clarify how autism presents and uses Einstein as a prime example to celebrate the beauty and power of the autistic mind.

Einstein was so successful BECAUSE of his autistic mind.

Why do people Einstein was autistic? Here are 10 facts:

  1. From an early age it was noted that he displayed echolalia, which is when a word/sound/or phrase is repeated. Many people do this because it is soothing (like when someone is humming a song just for fun- that’s echolalia). It is especially common for autistic people.

2. Early on he also had many speech difficulties and would “practice” how he would say things with a mental script of sorts. Scripting is also common for autistic people.

3. It was noted in letters from family members that he had “the inability to form a true bond with his father”, which is something that people have long accused autistic people of: not being able to connect with others (which is wrong). It is probably more correct to say that autistic children often bond in ways different compared to a neurotypical child.

4. He had tantrums that caused multiple nannies to quit. These were probably not tantrums, but meltdowns caused by prolonged sensory/emotional overload. Later, as a grown person it was discovered that he had a slight allergy to wool. Several fans gifted him sweatshirts. He wore them often. He also didn’t like socks, which is also common for autistic people with heightened tactile sensory issues. He often appeared disheveled because he didn’t like to comb his hair (another sign of a sensory issue) and needed to wear comfortable clothing.

5. He was forgetful of items all through his life and depended on family and friends to help him get what he needed, especially when travelling. What’s interesting is that Einstein found people who did not chide him for this, but simply helped him when he needed it.

6. He loved sailing on water and could do so independently for hours. He never brought a life jacket or motor, even though he could not swim and lived before cell phone technology. A common autistic trait is finding deep peace looking at or being in/around water, even if it presents danger. Perhaps this is one reason why he is noted as saying, “I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.”

7. His grandparents knew he was “quirky” but noted that he was just as beloved as any other child. Einstein’s family was especially devoted to him. There never appears to have been a time when his family members tried to change him despite his “quirkiness”, which I think is a rarely discussed monumental advantage of Einstein’s and why he was able to find supportive people all throughout his life. Many autistic people are taught the way they are is “wrong”.

8. He also had severe gastrointestinal issues as an adult, another common trait of autistic people. He struggled to cook on his own (which is not uncommon for neurodivergent people).

9. His second wife nursed him back to health when he lost significant amounts of weight due to stomach problems. Their love was unusual and unconventional compared to others, (they were cousins, too), but they offered each other what they could; their love was mutual and genuine.

10. He loved music and he played the violin for fun. It helped him express emotions and work through challenging issues. Part of his genius was discovering the order of the universe, and music no doubt is proof of that.

Music is universal in how it helps with these things, but neurodivergent people who struggle to verbalize often use music as a means of communication. He played with his sons as a way of connecting with them.

It was his ability to get lost in deep thought, in music, nature, and science, regardless of deeply worrying circumstances sometimes surrounding him, which led to breakthroughs the world had never previously known.

If these facts don’t sound like an autistic person, then I don’t know what does.

Einstein had incorruptible skepticism and independence from others. Despite dozens of teaching rejections he continued his pursuit of the theory of relativity. He was even denied the job of being a high school math tutor early on in his career. He also was given credit for helping create the atom bomb, even though he tried very much to avoid use of this type of weapon for moral and ethical reasons. He worked diligently to have scientists and policy makers talk before using such a weapon, but to no avail. Political leaders dismissed his quest for international cooperation and peace as “wooly headed and naive” and almost “childlike” in his requests. Some called him a communist.

The irony of being the man responsible for the bomb and also attacked an not intelligent enough to understand the politics of humans is not lost on me. His final years on earth were used to try to right the wrongs of such use of force. This type of impossibility had frustrating, but Einstein didn’t appear to waste time being mad about it. .

This is a similar situation that autistic people face on a regular basis. For example being accused of knowingly breaking some social customs because they’re “too smart” to not know, but then are infantilized and not considered smart enough to make personal choices for themselves.

He continued on despite what others would have likely used as evidence they were not worthy enough. This is another key indicator he was autistic: what social pressure would have broken an neurotypical’s resolve was almost inconsequential to him; it didn’t occur to him to be meaningfully bothered by someone else’s judgement!

In the early days of Einstein’s rise to the stardom, many anti-Semitic scientists accused him of being a disrupter with no respect for the work of Newton and other accepted “truths” in the scientific world. Einstein’s work towards the truth, despite the hatred hurled towards him is precisely what makes Einstein so magnificent. Also, autistic people seem to have a keen advantage in this realm of social dynamics.

Einstein had intense focus and unending interest in thought experiments. He was unaffected by social expectations and his entire life he refused to conform to authority’s expectations merely because they were the authority.

What usually can psychologically crush a neurotypical is a non-issue for an autistic person. Don’t get me wrong: autistic can people notice when others are rude and disrespectful, they just don’t let it affect who they are. It is not their concern. This is a gift to be cherished!

Perhaps Einstein was very aware of things he could possibly change, and things he could not. He was clear on his passions and tended to them. He loved his family, and also accepted there were issues in his family that he had no control over, like other people’s life decisions. Is this a weakness or a strength?

It is time we began to talk about autistic strengths on a global level. This neurotype is the kind that revolutionizes the world, if only we support autistic people at a young age. One way to do so is to learn from #actuallyautstic people. Google it. It’s a thing. Refuse any work that attempt to stifle or eradicate autism.

Einstein’s behaviors and unique processing are reasons why he was not only one of the world’s greatest scientists, but also why he was a formidable social justice advocate in a time where people like him were being hunted by Nazis.

Einstein understood his gifts and limitations. He said of himself, “I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.”

Foster passionate curiosity in your children, especially your autistic ones!

Follow this blog or @sensationalstims, or read my book The Case of Sensational Stims to get tips about autism support and empowerment.

Become a Better Ally: 23 Things I Wished I Knew About Autism When My Child Was Diagnosed

Featured by eringarciabooks, posted in autism, health, psychology, special needs

June 18 is Autism Pride Day. Autism Pride celebrates the beauty of neurodivergence and all the possibility it brings to the world. This post is intended to help us all be better allies to the neurodivergent community, today and every day.

Here are 23 things I wished I had known five years ago in order to be a better ally to my child and autistic community members.

The intent of this post is for everyone, especially neurotypical (NT) parents, siblings, educators, peers, co-workers, policy makers, bosses, and caregivers who want to support autistic people.

Also to the neurodiverse (ND)/ #actuallyautistic people, I hope I got this right. If I didn’t or missed something important, please tell me!

1. Can you define autism, right now? If you can’t, then you probably don’t know much. Keep reading and learning!

When it was suggested that my one and a half year old might be autistic, I was paralyzed with fear. How in the world would I help my child? Where do I start? I cannot remember the exact moment when it happened, but at one point the epiphany came: I knew NOTHING about autism and this ignorance filled me with dread and fear.

Once I was able to define autism without googling it, the anxiety began to subside. I became receptive to learning more and better equipped to help my child after his official diagnosis.

Start with learning the definition and do not attach judgement to it. Observie and learn, rather than rely on presumptions. When I did that, I ceased to worry about all I didn’t know.

Even if you know nothing right now, just learn one thing today. Then grow from there.

Knowledge is power.

2. Autistic is not a bad word, so don’t act like it. You’re allowed to say autistic. In fact, most people on the spectrum prefer this phrasing because their neurology impacts their entire life experience. However, not all autistic people prefer this. Confusing, I know.

Want to know what to do? Just ask the person what they prefer!

Does it feel weird to ask them? That might be because you think of it as an insult. Autistic is a type of brilliant neurodivergence. It’s not an insult. If you still feel weird about it may mean…

3. One’s level of (dis)comfort when discussing autism indicates how much learning needs to happen. So learn! I’ve written about it here on the blog, but also follow the hashtag #actuallyautistic to learn about autism from autistic adults. I share many of my faithful resources on my Instagram @sensationalstims.

4. Tell your child ASAP. Do not hesitate to tell your child. Why?

A. Hiding an autism diagnosis implies there is something to be ashamed of. I assure you there is not.

B. If you feel ashamed, you need to seek help. I say that with the utmost love and kindness. Lots of folks who have a neurodivergent child learn about their own neurodivergence and/or suppressed traumatic past. Seek help. You’re not too busy for this.

There is no shame in taking care of yourself. A healthy ally is an effective ally!

C. Your child is amazing. Learning from your them is a wonderful way to learn about what autism means for your child.

D. Most autistic people who were diagnosed as adults will tell you they’ve always known they were different than neurotypical peers. Your child likely already knows there’s something different- use the right words to explain it!

E. Understanding everyone’s unique needs significantly reduces stress on the neurodivergent person (and neurotypical people, too).

F. Tell siblings and people living in the house, too. Why? Because you live together! It’s helpful to know about family members’ different needs.

G. Don’t advertise a diagnosis without consent. But if the autistic person is a child and lives with or frequently visits another person/family, it should be shared.

5. Stimming is important! Autistic people have a different sensory processing system. Stimming is a way to deal and cope with different sensory needs. Check out my book about stimming. It’s an enlightening, sweet book about allyship and authentically represents what stimming is.

6. Some people will absolutely break your heart in their unwillingness to make the world more inclusive. As you become more aware about autism needs, some responses from family, friends, even medical practitioners may surprise you. Trusted people might be ignorant which translates to mean, ugly messaging.

It hurts. It’s confusing.

Sometimes you will need to let those people go and sometimes you can educate them. I’ve been on the giving and receiving end of this experience and it’s rough. But I also have learned so much from my mistakes and from transgressions committed against me and my child.

7. Some people will restore your faith in humanity. Cherish those kind, loving people. Remember them instead of the heartbreakers. Become this person. I’ve also been on the giving and receiving end of this experience, too. It’s all I’ll ever need in the world.

8. “Curing” autism is wrong. Autism is the way a person is. Acceptance is the only cure needed. If you want to “fight” the way a person is, it’s a traumatizing, abusive approach. There are MANY outlets that want to “cure” autism. This is highly offensive. I was looking through all the notes I have taken over the past 5 years and early on in my journey I went to a training called “Fighting Autism with [insert the name of quack doctor here].”

I shudder at some of the “professional” advice I paid for, believed, and followed.

However, there are things you can do to support an autistic person to help them experience the world in a healthier way. For example, food tremendously impacts a person’s overall health. A common experience for NDs with sensory sensitivities is that they struggle to physically tolerate certain foods. Uniform tastes/textures tend to be preferred and this uniformity is a guarantee in highly processed foods. But highly processed foods have unquestionably adverse health effects.

There are therapies and support for this that I’ll share about later. Learn from professionals about ways to work with sensitive palates so your loved one can be healthy, and also have their legitimate needs met!

9. How to discover if a training/therapy is appropriate or not: replace “autism” with another group’s name and see how it sounds. By using a different noun instead of “autistic” in the description of the proposed training/therapy if it is problematic or not. I share this because it is often overwhelming to learn, implement, and adapt to a person’s special needs. It’s also expensive and very time consuming; most parents don’t know where to start or what to do.

For example, instead of the aforementioned “Fighting Autism with Dr. Quackenstein” training I attended (see tip #8), I replaced the word “autism” with the word “Latinos”, and said it aloud. Let’s see how it sounds: “Fighting Latinos with Dr. Quackenstein”. Wow!

It immediately sounds wrong. You can do it with any noun you prefer and prepare to be amazed and how awful and trauamatizing really intelligent people can be.

10. You may have feelings of guilt the more you learn about autistic people and their needs. Some may feel guilty with regards to their previous attitudes. Others might realize therapies/trainings attended in the name of helping were actually traumatizing the one you intended to support.

I know I have struggled with this immensely. All I can say is that when you know better, you do better. Guilt and shame help no one. Move forward by acknowledging your mistake and vow to do better by first listening to autistic voices.

11. Don’t use the terms “high functioning” or Asperger’s. The implications of these terms are laden with ableism. Autistic people have varying support needs that fluctuate over time, so instead of “high functioning” (because we have no clue how much effort/work it takes for an autistic person to be perceived as ‘high functioning’ aka neurotypical), it’s much better to say describe a person’s support needs. For example, “Sally has low support needs in the area of math, but high support needs in executive functioning skills.”

Asperger’s is often used as a synonym for high functioning and implies that a person is only a smidge autistic. Actually, Asperger is the last name of a Nazi doctor who did terrible things during WWII, including murder children. Also, Asperger’s (since 2013) is no longer a recognized label on the DSM-5. That’s because…

12. A person is either autistic or not autistic. Similar to being pregnant, you can’t be it a little or a lot. People are autistic or not. While neurotypical people may have some autistic traits because autistic traits are human traits, we are not all a “little bit autistic.”

Just like you would never say to a that because you and and a pregnant lady both have lower back pain that “we’re all a little bit pregnant”, don’t say “oh we’re all a little autistic” to an autistic person. It’s rude, untrue and not perceived as the sweet bond you think it might be. Also unlike pregnancy, autism is lifelong. A person cannot outgrow autism. Which leads me to my next point…

13. Autistic children become autistic adults. The autism spectrum is wide and depending on a person’s access to healthcare, support systems, intellectual capabilities, unique life experience, geographic location, gender, culture, socio-economic status, etc., the presentation of Autism and support needs will vary. But autism doesn’t go away with age. And since autism cannot be detected purely by visual cues, it’s always best to just recognize that sometimes people need help whether they have a diagnosis or not.

Getting an official diagnosis is a privilege. It takes a lot of clinical experts to get a diagnosis and it takes a long time to do. Usually people who can afford health care get this, while many others don’t. Respect those who have had obtained an official diagnosis and those who haven’t but have self-identified. Sometimes that’s all a person can do.

14. There will be awkward moments. Communication differences often cause social distress for both neurodivergent and neurotypical folks. Always presume competence and recognize that everyone is doing the best they can.

Most often, because communication styles differ, neurotypical people often feel offended by an autistic person’s linguistic faux pas. Because a NT usually has the social power, they are the ones typically considered “right”.

Neurotypicals, remember the inherited the privilege of being born neurotypical. It’s significantly easier for you to understand the social nuances of the NT world that impact every element of life.

As a parent who routinely finds myself in extremely awkward situations with my child and another person, I can assure you we’ve never died from it. Lean into the awkward.

15. If you’re not sure why an autistic person says/does/thinks a certain way?: ASK! My entire world shifted when I realized there are autistic people who are more than happy to share their insights and experiences and often do so for FREE!

There is no better expert on what autism is than asking an actually autistic person. Better than even asking, simply listen and learn! I follow the hashtag #actuallyautistic as well as a variety of specific accounts. This was especially helpful when my son was preverbal. These adults’ stories, wisdom, and knowledge stunned me. If you follow @sensationalstims, I share many helpful tips from a variety of accounts.

Bonus: I now get to ask my own child about his needs, preferences, and experiences.

16. There are lots of ways to communicate. Many autistic people struggle to converse verbally, but AAC (Augmentative and Alternative Communication) devices, sign language, writing, and behaviors are all legitimate, helpful ways to communicate. If you know of an autistic person who struggles with speech, find other avenues to connect and resist the urge to only value spoken language.

Also, depending on the stress load a neurodivergent person is under, sometimes the capacity to communicate verbally significantly declines. So if a neurodivergent person doesn’t answer right away, even if they usually speak, this may be due to other mitigating factors.

Neurodivergent folks often shed a light on problematic social practices and confusing figures of speech by acknowledging (or not acknowledging) certain social things. Instead of writing off these unique observations/behaviors as idiocy, the kind thing to do is either to explain why something is a certain way or acknowledge that while something might not be entirely practical, discuss how to handle the situation in a socially acceptable way, but that still keeps the dignity of the neurodiverse person in tact.

Additionally, what neurotypicals may label as rude might feel direct to a person on the spectrum.

17. Neurodivergent Love Languages. I saw this tweet from Amythest (@neurowonderful) and need to directly quote it: “The five neurodivergent love languages: infodumping, parallel play, support swapping, Please-Crush-My-Soul-Back-Into-My-Body, and ‘I found this cool rock/button/leaf/etc. and I thought you would like it”.

These terms all relate to different, sacred ways a neurodivergent person might share their platonic or romantic affections. If an ND shares love with you in a unique way, feel honored because many autistic people have learned to mask their true self due to negative social consequences. Also, these ways to share love are not ONLY for NDs, but they tend to be more common for NDs than NTs.

18. Be EXTREMELY careful when financially supporting autism foundations. When it comes to autism research, not all foundations are created equal. Many of these places have worked to eradicate autism (read: practice eugenics). Here are some good ways to tell if a foundation is worthy of your money:

A. They hire autistic people to learn about autism and the autistic experience.

B. They find ways to support autistic peoples’ needs, not suppress or force compliance, and proudly share it with their supporters.

C. They do not infantilize autistics or view autism as a tragedy or disease to overcome, but celebrate the beauty of the neurodivergent mind and all the possibility it brings to the world.

D. Though autism rates are on the rise, it remains one of the lowest funded areas of study in the United States. It’s important to think about who we fund and who we don’t in the process of rectifying this sad fact.

19. Your attitude and language matters: be mindful of the words you use. How you act and talk about a person’s neurology will significantly impact their life experience. Much of the anxiety and depression autistic people experience are due to trauma, not autism.

20. Autistic/ Neurodivergent people live in a neurotypical world; they are usually not in positions of power. It can be very challenging, complicated, confusing and exhausting. Just because some things might be obvious/simple/easy for an NT does not make it so for ND people, who are almost ALWAYS required to make an adjustment, not the neurotypical person in a position of power. If you want to be an ally, explain things simply and give people time to adjust.

Pro tip: these approaches are helpful for nearly all humans!

21. Pathologizing differences is wrong. A common reason family’s fear an autism diagnosis is because it is often pathologized or phrased in ways that are similar to life-threatening illness. Here’s a common one: “Know the signs of autism and get treatment right away!”

I’m sorry, am I looking for a neurological difference or stroke signals?

Often, typical autistic traits are listed like symptoms which freak out inexperienced parents! For example, lining up toys is a common identifier when starting the path to diagnosis. Is this type of play inherently bad? Of course not! However, recognizing and diagnosing autistic traits helps people get appropriate services and assistance.

22. Address needs without attaching judgement. An ally does not judge another’s need, but accepts what it is and helps meet the need.

Sometimes autistic people are gifted at things that you might not value, and not very good at things you have determined are necessary. Please resist the urge to shame a person for engaging in “immature” play, or “hyper-fixating” on something you don’t care about.

There are things that autistic people will need to learn that might have been simple/easy for you or other neurotypical children. So what?

If you find yourself saying things like, “she should know how to do this by now!” or “this is so easy why can’t you just do it this??” Or “be more flexible- why do you care so much?!” These shaming statements do not support or affirm an autistic person, but encourage masking and burnout.

Remember that milestones can come at varying ages and give people time to develop skills and have a healthy life experience.

23. Celebrate neurodiversity today and every day! I am so thankful to live in a world that is beginning to tap into the power of neurodivergence. The more we learn about different manners to solving problems, viewing the world, and our own unique needs, the better of we will be.

Thank you for reading. I hope this all helps us be better allies to the growing neurodivergent community. Please share and don’t forget to follow @sensationalstims on Instagram and Facebook!

I honestly could add more, but I tried to write the most important aspects that helped my family.

Is there anything I missed or something you found interesting? Tell me!